You guys, I'm worried that I might be raising the kindergarten bully. Don't get me wrong; T is a sweetheart, will occasionally give kisses and hugs, tries to share his toys with Ody, and is probably easier to laugh than any child I've ever met.
But on the flip side, his fuse is SHORT. If something doesn't go his way immediately, there is hell to pay. This makes almost every meal, every diaper or clothing change, every playtime, a battle. I am adamant that we not "make" him eat anything he doesn't want to. We present him with food and he chooses what to eat. Yet every meal still results in him throwing things and getting so angry when he isn't given a seventh graham cracker (what he calls "googahs"), because sometimes we run out!, that he'll literally tantrum till he can't breathe (and yes, he has quite a repertoire of signs, so we've tried that route too). We were at Target the other day and I was holding him, and he was trying to grab at something glass, so when I gently pulled him away, he hit me so hard that it left a mark on my chest. It astounds me that he reacts that way.
He is already showing a total indifference to my asking him to do or not to do something. I've always been taught that "to ask twice is to teach disobedience." I am not strict or mean with T, but consistency is extremely important to Ty and me in our parenting. Yet T acts like he could care less. I know he's still young, but when I ask him not to hit the dog, and then he proceeds to hit him harder and faster until I can pull him away, I just wonder what on earth I'm doing wrong. And when he's physically pulled away from hitting Ody or one of us, he'll just hit himself. This makes my heart sick.
The complicating factor in any mothering question, for me, is the feeling of guilt. I know the parenting principles we believe in, I know how much I love my son, but when things go awry and he acts like a bully, I feel like I have failed and his behavior is irrevocably damaged. He interacts very little with other children, he never has babysitters while he's awake, he obviously has no access to TV, so everything he learns, he learns from us. Naturally, this makes me feel horrible because my child hits and yells and acts defiant a full 6 months before the terrible twos are to set in, let alone the teen years (I break out into hives thinking about teenagers).
I know that part of this behavior is considered normal. I've heard from basically every parent who brings home a second baby, that their usually-2-year-old sibling hits or rolls on them. So I hope I don't have unusually high expectations. But still, T seems so angry sometimes and usually shows no tolerance for not getting things his way immediately.
I know there are 9 million methods of parenting a strong-willed toddler. Have any of you had experiences with a kid who sounds like T? Have you read anything helpful? What works, what doesn't? My most consistently successful method up until this point has been lots of chocolate (for me).
Friday, February 22, 2013
mean kid
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I came across your blog the other day while I was insta-browsing (I am Missy's friend. She can vouche that I am not a total creep). I normally would never comment on someone's blog if they don't know me, but I feel for you because my daughter is very similar.
In Happiest Toddler on the Block the author touches on some things that helped me to understand things better, such as: while working as a pediatrician he found that "the terrible twos" was more around 18 months-24 months (although obviously it can vary). I was worried if she was so prone to tantrums at 18 months then it would get worse and I was scared. She is almost 2 now and it has gotten better, although some days are better than others. Usually sleep is the big factor. A good nap and a good night's sleep will lead to less tantrums.
Another thing the author does is liken that age group to neanderthals. They are so primal and it's normal to get very frustrated/angry at things they don't quite understand, like why they can't have exactly what they want when they want it.
As far as not listening to you and in fact doing the opposite, from various things I have read I think that has to do with testing limits and boundaries which is also age-related.
I think that as our strong-willed children develop the ability to understand logic and learn some self-control and compassion they will be less prone to tantrums and anger.
Just remember that it has nothing to do with your parenting and that being passionate about what you want is a trait that is praised in adults but oh so very hard to deal with in toddlers.
Good luck :)
Christina
I have yet to fully raise a strong-willed toddler, but Afton is already giving T a run for his money. I honestly asked if there is such a thing as the , horrible ones on Afton's birthday.
I don't think there is anything in your parenting that has caused T's behavior, and he is far from being irrevocably damaged. He is ONE. He has many years to learn how to react appropriately and understand his emotions. So stop blaming yourself!
It sounds to me like T is just testing his boundaries, learning what is ok and what is not. He will test them over and over again. Keep being consistent with telling him that's not ok, and why it's not ok, and eventually he will understand.
One thing I noticed with Afton, if I am not giving her attention when she wants it, then she will proceed to go to all of her "trouble" spots until I stop cleaning/eating/reading/whatever and pay attention to her. I have started trying to give her attention when she is being good so that she associates being good with getting attention.
Finally, I recently was told that "horrible toddlers make great adults." Being strong-willed and determined is good to help you reach your goals. It doesn't really help now, but there is still hope, right? :)
My brother used to have TERRIBLE tantrums when he was a toddler. Now he's the sensitive, peacemaker, easy-going sibling. I was too young to be conscious of what my parents did to manage his behavior but just wanted to offer some hope that he'll grow out of it.
milo started this around t's age and it has gone in and out.... now that he is 2 though its pretty constant. he would bang his head on the wall when he is mad, hit someone if he was mad at them, goes stiff when you try to make him do something.... We started ignoring him when he did anything to himself for attention but when he would hit us we would smack his hand. this worked for a while and it went away.... but now its come back and he is hitting kids in nursery....
dear becca! let me see if i can find anything in my school books. i feel like i remember reading up on things like this. you are not doing anything wrong, if i've learned anything in the last 4 months is that temperament comes with the child :-) he is a good, sweet kid. hang in there and if i think of anything i'll pass it along!-marisa
"I am not strict."
"He interacts very little with other children, he never has babysitters while he's awake."
Warning: I am going to try to be frank yet kind. You may not like it, but I think you need to hear it and hopefully it will be helpful.
Before continuing, ask yourself the following questions:
What do I feel at the thought of leaving T with a babysitter?
What percent of my time is spent worrying about T's happiness?
What consequences does T receive when he misbehaves?
Do those consequences make T "hurt"? I.e., are they strong enough that he recognizes he has done wrong? Are they true punishments?
When T wants to do something, what percent of the time do we do that thing?
What percent of the time is T in control vs. when you are in control?
I can guess at the answers to these, and hopefully you can see what I'm getting at. My interactions with T and your blog posts have painted a picture of a mom who really, really wants her child to be happy and taken care of. However, coddling a child has the opposite effect. T is acting out partly because of his age, but mostly because his behavior is being enabled. Being strict is necessary for a child's development. Kid's need boundaries and true consequences when they break those boundaries.
Heavenly Father sent us to the Earth, in part, so we could learn to survive without him. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to do so - turn on CNN for reasons why. But He knew it was a necessary part of our development. He also doesn't grant our every request in the very moment of asking. You know as well as anyone that tough times (e.g., Philadelphia) change us for the better. It's no different for kids. They need to struggle a little bit; they need to realize that life isn't about getting what you want all the time. It won't be easy for you. It will be very difficult at first to say no sometimes; to put him in a corner without toys; to see him cry. But it needs to be done, for his sake as much as for yours.
To be honest, I think you already know what you need to do. It showed through a little bit in your french parenting post last March. You recognize that giving T what he wants is not good for him. But you can't help yourself. That's ok - EVERY mom does it to some extent. The trick is realizing that "over-indulging children emotionally is not the same as loving them." (See link below.)
Try being a little more selfish. If there's something you want to get done and T is nagging you for attention, ignore him for a bit. Take away T's toys and put him in a corner when he's hitting the dog. Go on a date with Ty once a month (preferably more) and leave T screaming bloody murder with the babysitter. You'll feel like scum. But he will live, and it will be good for all three of you.
For the sake of your family and those around you, please give it a try. It won't change overnight. It takes commitment. But I can speak from personal experience that it is WORTH IT.
A few helpful links:
http://www.empoweringparents.com/Am-I-Spoiling-My-Young-Child.php#
http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/lifestyle/2012/07/how-not-to-spoil-your-children-parenting-experts-and-parents-weigh-in/
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/94
At Asher's first-ever parent-teacher conference this last fall, his teacher told me that he is very academically advanced, happy, and loves to learn and to be funny. She also told me that he struggles with listening, needs to be reminded frequently of rules, and has trouble sharing and using words to resolve conflict. I didn't need her to tell me any of that.
I am well aware of, and delight daily in, my first-born's strengths, but I am also painfully aware that he is very opinionated and stubborn, that he tends toward hyperactivity, and that he struggles with anger- and frustration-management. Furthermore, if there is any blame to be placed, then, genetically speaking, I am sure that it lies with me. I see my own natural tendencies in his approach to the world, and what doesn't remind me of myself reminds me of my family.
Although I find myself worrying about it sometimes (nobody will like him! and he won't have any friends!! and his self-esteem will go down the toilet!!! and I need to fix it before his whole life is ruined!!!!) I think that, ultimately, learning how to deal with his anger and his energy is something that Asher will need to do for himself. However, I think that I can help him: first, by being a consistent good example of calmly and constructively dealing with my frustration-both with him and with the world at large- and, second, by offering him acceptable ways for him to deal with his.
As far as discipline is concerned, I love the book Parenting with Love and Logic. I feel like it helps me to deal with my kids' negative behavior in positive ways. Currently, some things that seem to help are:
1. Offering him the options of playing calmly and kindly or spending some time in his room (or eating politely or leaving the table). If his behavior doesn't improve after asking him once, then he is invited to go to his room. If it is apparent to me that he really needs a break, i.e. if he is repeatedly pounding on Simon, then I sometimes skip asking and simply invite him to go take a break. If he refuses, then I simply pick him up and carry him there. He knows that he is allowed to rejoin the rest of us whenever he feels that he is ready to be calm and kind. Obviously, T's verbal communication is limited at this point, but you can still ask him if he'd prefer to be calm or go to his room, and then take him to his room if he continues to struggle. He will quite possibly have a tantrum in his room, which really stinks, but if you ignore it, he might decide that he'd rather just calm down since he's obviously getting no reaction from you. Just make sure that there's nothing in there that he can do real damage to, or that he can use to do damage to himself. Now, I have another son who is extremely emotional and if I send him away, and he happens to be in the wrong mood, it results in the tantrum of the year which drags on for half an hour or more and escalates as it goes along, which lets me know that he needs some help to pull things back together. In those cases it often works better for me to just hold him for a while until he shows signs of human behavior. I can generally tell at this point if it will be fruitless to take Simon to his room or not, but I don't know a good way to figure out if it will work for a particular child on a particular day except for experimentation.
2. If I am paying close attention and can see Asher on the verge of starting to lose it, I can swoop in and offer assistance, generally in the form of suggesting some words for him to repeat, such as, "I was playing with that Simon, may I have it back, please?" Sometimes it helps if I accompany this with some gentle physical contact-puting my hand on his shoulder or taking his hands-to help him focus on what I'm saying. Once again, with a younger child, his ability to repeat things is limited, but you could sign and say "please" or whatever the one or two words are for the thing that you think he wants or is trying to communicate.
3. Distraction. Sometimes it seems like the best thing to do is to re-direct my children's attention to a more appropriate activity. I think the very best distraction is going outside. Even if we are experiencing a huge tantrum, simply picking the child up and walking out the door will magically get him going in the direction of calming down. You have the great blessing of living in a place where you can do that with relative ease twelve months of the year.
As for T hitting himself, have you considered getting him a drum? Bongo style, maybe, so that there's no stick involved. Then he'd have something to hit that is for hitting.
Please excuse me for writing an entire blog post on your blog post. Hopefully something here is helpful, if for no other reason, than just to know that you're not alone.
Tommy has always been quick to get upset if he can't figure something out, and of course we have the fairly regular mealtime tantrums. Don't be hard on yourself about this. It's not you. At this point, he's trying to figure out how to communicate, and how you react is very important. We recently read the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" and our biggest takeaway from it was giving our children choices to make, that we can all live with, and then making the consequences to those choices have meaning.
Tommy started getting into a big tantrum phase about 8 months ago. When this happens, what I try to make happen, (although it doesn't every time these days, because of Grace) is this. I say, "Uh oh, having a tantrum isn't allowed around me. If you're upset, you're welcome to go to your room and be upset, but I don't want to be around you. Would you like to walk to your room or be carried?" So, he has two choices to make. He can calm down and stay with me or stay upset. If he stays upset he can walk or be carried to his room. All of the consequences to these choices can be lived with. The biggest punishment to T right now would be to lose your company. And your audience. Decide what he can understand as far as consequence goes and then stick with it.
Another example: Library playtime/storytime. Tommy is being really rowdy and noisy. He has the choice to stay and be a little bit more quiet, or to leave immediately. Both are choices that I can live with.
At the store: Be prepared to leave. Make it clear before that if he has a tantrum, you will leave the store immediately. Yeah, that one is annoying, but you can still live with the consequences for yourself.
I'm certainly no parenting expert, and I'm not very good at putting these principle into practice these days (again, see second child syndrome :), but when we were practicing these principles regularly, it really made a difference. I would recommend reading the book.
Good luck Becca! You are an amazing mom. Keep eating the chocolate for strength and I know it will get better! :)
Mayan just turned 18 months today! Yeah! We are in the EXACT same stage. She's getting a little more verbal but still not in a way that satisfies her needs- so she has a short fuse and this is my advise 1)let it roll off your back, this is a phase and will end (although might turn into other worse things-haha), so just hunker down and enjoy the wonderful parts of an 18 month old. 2) After Mayan hits or disobeys, etc. I correct her by saying a positive word. For example when she hits, I take her hand and stroke the thing/person she hits and say, "soft", then I literally move on to distract her with something else. You can't explain to them they are doing something wrong but if you SHOW them how to act properly in a brief yet clear message repetition will eventually sink in.
I don't remember how old Owen was when he went through a hitting phase (18 months, maybe? It's been a while), but someone suggested this and it worked. The next time he hit me, I started loudly fake crying and said "Owen, that hurt Mommy! Mommy is sad!" Owen looked shocked and started crying too (maybe I fake-cried too loud?)and really didn't have a problem after two or three of those episodes. Now that he's older/more verbal, when he acts naughty, we just ask if that'll make others happy or sad. He *usually* makes the right choice after that.
I have no idea what to do about the incessant need for crackers, though. I'm going to have to follow the comments and hope someone else has a good suggestion, 'cause we need it here too. Good luck!
I'm sorry Becca, that's hard! Parenting can be so tricky. James recently bit me when he was tired/frustrated & I immediately burst into tears because it made me so sad.
Well, you've gotten lots of great feedback already, but I hope you don't mind if I chip in my two cents? Hallie went through a similar stage, hers was violence toward me. She would pinch me so hard it left bruises that lasted for days, and she would hit me and head butt me so hard that I was scared to hold her. I remember I called my mom crying one time that there must be something seriously wrong with her or me because I was afraid to be near her because I never knew when she would just hurt me. Example, one day in church, she was just calmly sitting on my lap, and they had just started passing the sacrament. She leaned over and bit me hard on the arm, I could not get her teeth to release, and I didn't know what to do! She finally let go, but I had another long lasting bruise.
She was about the age Ty is now, and as you said, we were just as consistent as we could be with her. I also tried to stop reacting to her, so I began overly praising all of her good behavior, and when she was naughty or violent to me I would just make her stop doing the behavior but without any other attention, at all. No eye contact, no lingering touching, nothing. I just did what I had to do to make the behavior stop, and then completely ignored her until she began doing something else. Does that make sense? And then in the in between times when she was calm and good we would talk about how we don't hit and we don't bite and we don't kick, etc.
She has now become the most peaceful child I have ever seen, to the point where when younger sister is pushing her, and pulling her hair, and hitting her, she just sits there and stares at her sister. Sometimes she cries, and sometimes she yells at me to make her sister stop, but never once does she react back in violence. So, sometimes I wonder if we went too far, because by no means do I want her to be a victim! I mean, a little standing up for yourself is appropriate, if nothing else, walk away!
Anyway... my main point is, don't give up! He is by no means abnormal, and as long as you keep loving him, and teaching him, and being consistent, he will figure out this crazy thing called life.
I don't think I've ever commented on your blog but I felt that I needed to. I think a lot of the above advice could be helpful, and I disagree with much of what "anonymous" commented. In my opinion, there is no such thing as emotional overindulgence. Overindulgence in sweets, toys, tv, yes, but not in attention. I don't ignore my son when I want to get other things done, the other thing has to wait. I don't think that other ways of parenting are wrong and that I'm "right" but I wanted you to know that there are moms out there who don't use timeout or ignoring to shape behavior. I'm sure here are people who don't like my approach and think I'm raising a spoiled brat, but I disagree. I am stern with my 18 month old in 2 instances: hitting and touching something dangerous (anything that plugs into the wall.) Seriously, that is the only time I use the word "no." (Recommended by my pediatrician.) When he has hit me, I hold him close and say "no" very, very sternly and look him right in the eye. I hold his arm if he tries to hit more. It has made him whimper, but he knows that Mom only uses that word when she's serious. Then I hold his hand and touch Mom soft to show him how we touch other people and ourselves. Anytime he touches your dog softly shower him with hugs and kisses for being so soft and making the doggie happy. For me, reinforcing good behavior works better than trying to punish bad behavior. If it's not hitting or touching something dangerous, I don't see it as him doing something "wrong" that needs to be punished. If he throws food on the floor, I ask him if food goes on the floor and clean it up once, if he does it again I take that food away and ask him if he's done eating since food only goes in our mouths or we must be done with dinner. It's all positive, and I don't try to make him feel As if he's done something wrong. I think keeping the overall tone of mealtime positive is more important than punishing a specific behavior. Anyway, those are just some of my opinions. Who knows what things these kids will come up with to make us question out parenting skills and abilities. My advice is to be the most positive figure you can be for your child, they do need discipline but at this stage I think it should be extremely simple, just a couple rules that they can understand.
Call me. :) <3
Wow - I can't thank you all enough for your comforting words of advice, insight, and "my kid does that too." It's so helpful for me to hear these things.
I think we are just in Only Child La La Land where any and all attention goes straight to him, so I feel like all that attention should produce a happy, obedient child all the time. :) Obviously I know it doesn't work that way, but all my efforts day in and day out make it seem like it should.
One question I have if anyone is following comments: how do you give a toddler "time to themselves" in their room without their room becoming a place of punishment? We recently moved into a new apartment and I have gone to huge lengths to make T's room an inviting, safe, welcoming, happy place that I hope he'll prefer to be more than anywhere else. If I start using his room as a place to put him when he needs a "break," won't he develop negative feelings towards it?
Again, I can't thank you all enough for your comments. Simply hearing that some of your children behave this way is comforting, even if the behavior is disconcerting.
Well I haven't ready all the comments here but I bet a lot of them say something like "sweet Becca, welcome to the club!"I think Harper and T should hang out because I have yet to find a kid that will stand up for himself/herself around Harper. She just loves to beat up on other kids- and usually older boys (maybe I should take comfort in this). One thing I've tried that often works well when she is throwing a fit (happiest toddler on the block suggestion) is to genuinely respond to her level of hysteria. Not match it exactly but rather than try to downplay her emotions I try to really be expressive and talk through what she's feeling. "You're so mad that I took away the scissors!" Or "it's hard that I sometimes can't hold you because I have to take care of Leandro. Does that make you sad?" It seems pretty elementary but I'm often surprised with how quickly she softens, like she's just trying to be understood. It's natural to worry about parenting, but rest assured that his behavior is also very natural as well. Only another year or two ;)
My boys take breaks in their room and still love to be in there. I wouldn't worry about it. It can be a safe, comfortable place to regroup.
Hey Becca - it's me again, and I am one of those people that like to check back again and again to read comments... huge nerd. From what I've read, time out isn't something they understand developmentally until they are around 2, and I think "punishments" in general are a concept beyond them. I think what I usually did at that age was what one of your other friends said she did, say "no" sternly, and where possible stop giving him any attention (because as I said about Hallie, she began feeding on that attention, even though I gave her lots of positive attention as well, she seemed curious about my reactions, and wanted to see how MUCH of a reaction she could get out of me. So I stopped reacting as much as possible - I don't know if T does that, but anyway.) So then I would show her how I wanted her to act, softly touching my face if it was me she had hurt, or giving the other child a hug if it was someone else, whatever.
But I guess your question was more about how to make T's room a place he wants to play on his own - and that just may never happen, depending on his personality. Sorry... Hallie never, ever played by herself until a younger sibling came along, and even then she doesn't play by herself, she plays with her sister, she just doesn't need ME around any more. But maybe you could get him happy and cozy with his toys, play with him for a few minutes, and then slip away and he might be so busy he won't notice? Again, I think that kind of thing depends on the personality. My second will play by herself, or with her sister, or whatever, she doesn't really care. She doesn't even need toys. Ok, I'll end this now.
Also, in some response to the anonymous commenter who thinks you are overindulgent - I think each parent is different, and each child's needs are different, and if you, Becca, as the mom feel good in your soul about your parenting when you pray and think about it, then keep doing what you are doing. I didn't walk until I was almost 2 because I insisted on being carried everywhere by my mother only. If anyone else came near me I cried and cried. I clung to my mother's apron strings well into high school even. Almost every morning I climbed into bed with her. And there were many, many, many people who told her she was ruining me, and that I was emotionally unstable to be so dependent on her and blah blah blah, but I am fine - and she knew I would be fine (although, as every mother knows, she had some doubts, of course. we are human) but she felt good about what I needed and knew that I would grow up and out of it in my own time. And I did. And I love my mother for giving me the loving attention that she knew I needed. My sister and brothers didn't need that kind of attention, but I did. Well into college even sometimes. So... again, if you pray about it and feel good deep inside about the way you interact with him, keep it up. YOU are HIS mommy, and Heavenly Father gave him to you for a reason, and he trusts you to know what is best - as best as a human mommy can do. Ok, now I am really, really really done.
Hey Amy and Kristi - thanks for the feedback. T actually plays remarkably well in his room by himself right now. He can be in there "reading" and rummaging through his toybox for over an hour, with me only checking in every now and then. I think he really enjoys the alone time. I'm just worried that as he gets older and gets that I'm putting him in there as a "punishment" that we'll lose that. But that's getting into nit picky stuff. I'm just glad to hear that he's not completely abnormabl. :)
Lisee was really hard too, but has been getting better. And Joy was a TERRIBLE toddler - we all danced around her because she was so stubborn and kind of a bully, but she was the most incredible and obedient teenager. She is naturally strong willed, but with good teaching and the ability to make choices, she turned into a marvelous teenager and adult. Anyway, I wouldn't stress to much yet. He will get to a point where he will understand consequences better, and they will be more effective then.
I've only skimmed comments, but I wouldn't worry about the room becoming a place of punishment. When most of the time in his room is happy time, I don't think a few time-outs will ruin that. It works great for our kids. I've also found that my two have been SO much harder until they are able to talk and communicate better. Once we can have conversations, the tantrums reduce significantly and life gets so much easier!! I agree with what someone said, that he's testing his boundaries. Just keep being consistent like you said and I'm sure things will improve. The fact that you're concerned about it and actually thinking about your parenting means you're doing a good job! :) I'm sure he'll turn out just fine. :) And remember lots of prayer!
Oh, and I also love the Love and Logic books, don't know if he's quite old enough for that, but I really like the concepts. I also just started reading "You Can't Make Me!" and I'm not very far into it, but it seems pretty good for strong-willed children.
Ok so I totally agree with Sarah the fact that you care and are concerned, that you think about it, that is really what matters. I agree with her also that his room will still be a safe haven, I had friend that even put their young kids in their crib for a time-out, but at bed time their kids still LOVED their crib. Asked even to go to bed. So let me say that.
On the other hand, we have a time-out bench that is Jace's first option. When we started time-outs with Jace we just chose 1 thing: playing in the dog water. we felt it was one item that would be really hard to baby proof. Anyways, everytime Jace went to play in it we would sit him on a couch and say "this is a time out. you are in a time out" and then sit there with him for like 30 seconds. He wasn't quite having tantrums yet though. That's why a bedroom is nice because when they are flinging themselves on the ground or trying to hit there isn't anybody (or dog) for them to hurt. But Jace's room has no toys or anything in it. so that might also be different.
mostly what I wanted to say is that I noticed you yourself said that T is the easiest child to make laugh, so the fact he gets frustrated easy seems to make sense to me. Kids that 'wear their emotions on their sleeve' do so in either spectrum. Jace is super effectionate and tender, but also when he gets mad he used to be very physical. So he's 'physical' in either spectrum.
Hope some of that helps :o)
p.s.
one of the above commenters talked about their child who was very physical, I have learned from Lexi's therapist that some kids need more 'input' then others. Like that mom said her son needed to be held tightly etc. Kids who are on the 'extreme' side of that can even get some help from their parents/occupational therapists. One thing they suggested for Jace was a rub down/massage everyday. Then he isn't 'seaking' input by touching eveyrthing he sees/jumping on everyone he sees. But that's just a thought for the above commenter
OK I can't answer all of this in one post. So I will focus on the easy one--how to get kids to play alone. This is so important for everyone. My kids still do a "quiet time" every day. When the big boys were little they had 3-5 small tuperwares in their rooms filled with toys they could play with alone safely with a picture on the lid--so for example a box filled with plastic zoo animals with a picture of a zoo on the lid. They also had boxes with a doctor kit, trains, dragons, cars, etc. I would just print a picture out from the internet and tape on the lid with heavy packing tape so they couldnt peel off. The act of picking a tuperware then opening then playing all takes a lot of time. By the end of the hour everything would be dumped out and mixed up. Then we would spend about 20 minutes putting everything away--"what goes in here? is this the zoo? who lives in a zoo" or "show me what a doctor uses?". It was a great combination of teaching and playing alone. By the time they were two they could put everything away without me. Ikea has great little boxes with easy to open lids.
Maya
BAH, I just posted a whole long comment and it wouldn't post. Grr... so sorry if this is redundant!
Basically, I said that Nat went through a biting stage right around T's age. Part of it was just waiting it out and part of it was teaching him other ways to express himself (for instance, if a kid was trying to steal his toy, to say "help" rather than bite them). That really helped in giving him some other way to express his frustration. If he was biting me, I'd immediately put him down and he wouldn't get attention for a minute. Oh, and if Nat ever threw food on the floor, he was immediately done with the meal. The end.
We also reserved use of time outs exclusively for doing anything physical like that (still do). I put him on my lap and face him out and hold his arms down for 30 seconds. If he's having a (fortunately rare) full-out tantrum, he gets to go to his room to calm down. We don't close the door, and he can come out when he wants and is ready to be calm. It's basically an opportunity to be calm, and he's never had any ill feelings towards his room because of it. Even when we've done time outs in his crib, he still never had any hard feelings towards his crib and still loves it to this day.
Nat's now one of the calmest 2-year-olds I know (not that I'm biased...). We were visiting friends recently and they have a daughter who is a month older than Nat and significantly taller and she hit him on several occasions, including in the face. Each time, Nat just said, "Please don't hit me [name]!" So I'm SURE T will grow out of it, too, and be a total sweetheart peacemaker, like you two.
But I'm fairly certain I'm a meaner person than you and feel no remorse about my kid crying every now and again. :)
I just wanted to say that I also disagree with your earlier anonymous commenter. I think she is just plain wrong. You are not over-coddling your child. For goodness sakes, he is one year old! He does not need more discipline or harshness. I have a an only child who has always been indulged with love, and we are rather permissive in our parenting. She was a pretty willful infant and toddler, but at age five she behaves like an angel at school and is very well adjusted. I like that theory that the strong-willed children turn in to awesome adults who think for themselves(and teenagers who will not succumb to peer pressure!). Take care--
A Minnesotan RN who stumbled on your blog
Just wait until 2 and 3 :) No, in seriousness, I know what you mean. I have lost my temper so many times at Evelynn. She will be 4 in July and she is so so stubborn. I've noticed with the 2nd child I have had a lot more patient. Plus, Tal is an only child. He isn't forced to share. So he is naturally going to throw a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his way.
I think you just have to be consistent. Every time I complain to my mom or to mother-in-law they tell me the same thing. You just have to be a consistent, calm parent. Whatever routine or method ends up working for you. I am not against time-outs at 18 months. Even if it's a firm "NO" and in a spot for 1 minute. We should really talk more. I have felt so frustrated trying to raise Evelynn, but I can give you hope that when you have the next one you will see an change in yourself. You will get through this. And when it seems impossible, go for a walk, call your husband, or have a friend come over. I know these aren't great suggestions for Tal, but it sure helps your sanity. His temper tantrums are not a reflection of poor parenting on you at all. I hope you know that. If this was the case, please don't look at my child's dirty looks and foot stamping that she does to me. How else did she learn except by example...Anyways, sorry this is so long. Good luck! And you can always vent to me.
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